“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw

This quote basically sums up the root cause of divorce. We say something to our spouse and we are under the illusion that they have heard and understood what we have said, when in actual fact, they have misinterpreted what was said or were distracted at the time and did not hear properly or what was said triggered an emotional response relating to something in their past and instead of concentrating on the words, they are thinking of past hurts or thinking of a response before hearing the full sentence.

I am convinced that the writer of Proverbs 18:13 had married couples in mind when he penned these words: “To answer before listening – that is folly and shame”.

We have to learn to listen to the emotion behind the words, to observe facial expressions and to actively concentrate on the words being spoken. James 1:19 puts it succinctly: “My dear brothers and sisters (spouses) take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

We also need to listen in context to the history of the relationship.

When we learn to communicate effectively it leads to a deeper intimacy and understanding of each other and this deepens and adds immense value to the relationship.

Communication between spouses stands for so much.

C – commitment. We need to be dedicated to each other. Marriage between two Believers should only end when one spouse dies. Divorce is not an option.

O – openness. We need to allow our spouse access into our thoughts. There has to be total honesty between you.

M – magnify. We need to praise our spouse. Boost their egos and adore them.

M – mutual. We need to share feelings and emotions.

U – understanding. We need to be perceptive, appreciative and aware of our spouse at all times.

N – naked. We need to expose our deepest feelings and emotions to our spouse. We also need to make time to be physically naked and enjoy sexual intimacy with our partner.

I – interested. We need to be responsive, intent and excited towards our spouse.

C – caring. We need to be compassionate, kind and considerate at all times.

A – attitude. We need to work at being positive at all times. We definitely need God’s help on this one!

T – transparent. We need to be straight forward, candid and direct and hide nothing.

I – if. If in a marriage is usually followed by only – ‘if only’. If needs to be banned from our vocabulary.

O – ours. We need to claim the marriage relationship as ‘ours’.

N – negotiate. We need to discuss, debate and consult each other.

“Listen with curiosity. Speak with honesty. Act with integrity. The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.”

― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

Originally written for Start Marriage Right and published on…/communication-is-vital/

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This past week I found myself in the presence of someone who literally made me feel as though I was standing in the Presence of God.
She was a Sister of Mercy nun and her face radiated a peace, a sense of well-being, a joy that could only have come from her spending many hours in the presence of God.

Obviously, His Presence had rubbed off on her because she was beautiful – a physical and inner beauty. When she looked at me, I felt that she really saw me – not just as a person but as a child of God.

The care home, a building belonging to the Missionaries of Charity, is in Khayelitsha, a partially informal township, in Cape Town, South Africa.

In 1988 Mother Teresa herself approved the Khayelitsha site with these words:
“We have come to give tender loving care to the poor, to the people who have nothing, the forgotten ones…”

We had gone to visit an elderly friend who has fallen on hard times and is basically bedridden. The Sisters of Mercy have welcomed him into their care home and are looking after him.

A Sister of Mercy must abide by the vows of chastity, poverty and obedience and wholehearted free service to the poor. They “love and serve God in the distressing disguise of the poorest of the poor, both materially and spiritually, recognizing in them and restoring to them the image and likeness of God by nursing the sick, the dying and destitute.”1

“A sister’s few possessions include: three saris (one to wear, one to wash, one to mend), two or three cotton habits, a girdle, a pair of sandals, a crucifix, and a rosary. They also have a plate, a set of cutlery, a cloth napkin, a canvas bag, and a prayer book.”2

The Sister we met was from Spain, she must be in her late twenties and I felt humbled at the thought of how she has physically, emotionally and spiritually dedicated her whole life to the Lord, the destitute, the outcast, the sick, the forgotten…

One of the qualification requirements to be a sister is that you have to be of cheerful disposition.
Our Sister from Spain definitely met that qualification in abundance.

She touched me deeply when she asked me what our friend and we believed. What was the bedrock of our faith? What brought us comfort in our faith?
She asked this because she wanted to know what would comfort our friend.
She explained that it was not the Sister of Mercy’s job to convert anyone to their faith. Their only job was to serve all they met as Jesus served and to trust that in this way the person being served would see God and come to know Him.

References: 1 & 2

Photos of Imizamo Yethu Township



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 A week ago, one of our daughter’s, had her life all planned out for the next three years.

She was going to join the Open University in the United Kingdom and study for a BA.

A huge amount of planning and thought had gone into preparation for the next three years and she was all set to commence studying and start the next phase of her life’s journey. She just had to put the payment through…and that was when everything unraveled.

She was informed that she had missed the deadline to register for her course and therefore she would not be able to study but she could reapply again in October.  Due to some miscommunication, her course had not been registered because she had not completed the final application.

To say she, and we, were devastated is putting it very mildly.  We were devastated for her because it looked like her dreams would have to be put on hold for ten months and she would now have to find something to do for that time.  She was devastated because her heart was set on starting studying in March and her whole life for the next three years was geared around her studying and now, she was at a total loss.

Being her parents, the first thing we said was that we would pray about the situation, pray that the University would extend grace to her and pray that she would still be able to follow her dreams.

A weekend of real despair followed with said daughter phoning and sending various emails to the University asking/begging that her application be accepted.

This morning she received an email advising that due to the miscommunication between her and the University they have accepted her application and she will be allowed to start studying.

When she informed me of this earlier today my first response, obviously, was “thank God He answered our prayers.  How wonderful of Him”.

Said daughter is in the process of still making up her mind whether there is a God or not but she admitted that when her application was declined, she made Him a promise.  She promised God that if He made a way for her to be accepted at the University, she would go to church every single Sunday for the remainder of the time she is in Amsterdam.

Well, I couldn’t stop laughing…

This means that because she never breaks a promise, she will be going to church every Sunday for the next few weeks. That is about six Sundays in all.

“Truly, O God of Israel, our Saviour, You work in mysterious ways”. (Isaiah 45:15 NLT)

Written with said daughter’s permission.

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Today I received the following “What’s App” text from my husband:

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” —Ruth Bell Graham

I replied:

“We obviously have a happy marriage then—we both have to forgive so much all the time!”

God, repentance, and forgiveness are three of the most vital ingredients needed in a relationship if you are going to have a happy and fulfilled marriage.

“Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.” —Peter Ustinov

We need to develop the habit of forgiveness and tenderness in our marriages.

When we announced our marriage, our home fellowship group at that time gave us a card with the following words inscribed on it:

“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” —Matthew 6:33 (NAS Bible)

That card hangs on the wall in our hallway and I often find myself standing before it reflecting on what those words mean in the context of a marriage.

Righteousness in its simplest form means doing what is right, just, and fair.

I often don’t behave towards my husband in a fair and just manner and vice versa—we both become distracted by our work, family responsibilities and what we are lacking in our own lives instead of concentrating on each other’s needs. When we start focusing on each other we find that our work, raising our children and our worries become far more manageable as we discuss them together and support each other. In other words, all these things—peace, communication, unity are added to us.

In the scriptures, Jesus compared the kingdom of God to a mustard seed:

Then Jesus asked, “What is the kingdom of God like? What shall I compare it to? It is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his garden. It grew and became a tree, and the birds perched in its branches.” —Luke 13:18–19

Godly marriages, to me, are synonymous with the mustard seed.

The seed needs to be planted in fertile soil—our hearts need to be prepared to nurture and care for the heart of our spouse.

Proverbs 4:23 states “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

Just as the soil needs to be ‘guarded’ against pollution and worms, our hearts need to be guarded against feelings of jealousy, anger, resentment, and boredom.

The seed needs to be watered and fertilized—attention and care need to be spent on it. The same is true of marriage. We need to spend time with each other, loving and building each other up lest the marriage withers and dies from lack of attention.

As we nurture each other in the marriage, our marriage can grow into a wonderful force and power that will be a safe haven, a place of shelter for our children and others to find refuge in and under. A place of shade, rest and peace.

Just as the birds of the air perch in the branches of the mustard tree, Godly marriages need to have branches that will support our children and other marriages.

Marriage should be a place of sanctuary and peace not a battlefield of resentment and anger.

The apostle Paul states very clearly that the kingdom of heaven needs to be present in our lives on a daily basis: “For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 14:17)

Our marriages should be filled with righteousness, peace, and joy.

And just as Christ’s kingdom will endure forever our marriages need to endure till death us do part.

Originally written for Start Marriage Right and published on

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LOVE HURTS…some of the time


Someone very close to me said some things to me recently that shocked me to my very core – I felt like I had been hit in the solar plexus. For a day and a half, I was left reeling.

My husband and I were celebrating our 26th wedding anniversary the following day – we had been so looking forward to celebrating this day, and yet, when we woke up in the morning, all we could talk about is what had been said to me the day before. I alternated between feelings of great despair, hurt, anger, pain, doubt, fear and a lot of self-pity!

We went out for tea that afternoon and in between taking bites of my muffin, blowing my nose and wiping the tears off my face I picked up a small sugar packet from the table and read the following on the outside:

“If you know yourself, then you’ll not be harmed by what is said about you.” 
Arabian Proverb

I could hear God saying to me:

“You know who you are. Your identity is in me.  I formed you. You are my child.  You are beautiful and precious. . You are forgiven. You are loved by me – that is who you are”

I felt a semblance of peace return and I started to wonder why I had reacted so violently to what had been said.

I think it was because this person had attacked the most vulnerable part of who I am – my motherhood.  Author, Elizabeth Stone, once commented that having a child “is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body” – being a mother has left my heart exposed and defenseless.

I was incredibly strict when our older children were younger but through the years, as God has been working in my life and I have started to heal from the pain and rejection of my own childhood and as I have come to terms with my relationship with my own mother, I have made a conscious effort to change the way I parent and I pray constantly for God’s guidance in helping me to love and disciple my children.

They had also brought up, and embellished upon, things from the past.

As I have grown in God’s love I have asked my children for forgiveness and have admitted honestly that I made some huge mistakes when raising them. I was often angry and impatient and very insecure in my role as a mother. 

The attack had also come totally out of the blue.

This person had phoned me because they were really upset about something totally unrelated to what was said to me and I had been listening and empathising with them, when all of a sudden WHAM! The conversation turned without any warning and they proceeded to tell me things they thought about me that left me horrified.  I did ask Steve, my husband, and one other person who lived in the house at the time and they assured me that a lot of what had been said was far from the truth.

“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it” Nicholas Sparks

I find great comfort in the above quote.

Because of God’s intense love for us, His children, He sent His son to die on the cross and broke the heart of the Holy Trinity. Jesus’s love sacrifice healed the relationship between man and God so that man will live in eternity with Him.

Marriages that start out in love, often become marriages of hate but sometimes love can restore the relationship and the marriage is healed.

Love for our children encompasses parents and yet that love often has to deal with huge sorrow and heartbreak and despair when our children are hurting or choose wrong paths, and yet, it is that very same love that can restore and heal a parent child relationship.

1 Peter 4:8

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“Behind every great kid is a MOM who’s pretty sure she’s screwing it all up” – Author unknown

This quote just about sums up my feelings as a mother. Or at least it used too!

From the time our eldest child was about three months old, guilt took up permanent residence in my life. As we had child number two and child number three and they grew older, my guilt also grew – often in inordinate amounts compared to my children’s growth.  I felt guilty that I was too strict, that I curbed their natural exuberance and curiosity because I wanted them to behave perfectly at all times. I felt guilty that I was damaging them for life because of the way I behaved towards them. I felt guilty because I felt I was failing them.

I felt guilty when…the list is actually endless.

It has always been a huge paradox for me that I could feel like such a failure as a mother and yet have such amazing children!  The two just don’t go together.

Over the years, with God’s help, I have started to overcome some of this guilt and then this past weekend, whilst on a retreat, a lot of my guilt was laid to rest. The focus of the retreat was ‘The foot washing’ (John 13:1-17).

The night before Jesus was betrayed, He and His disciples gathered together for supper and during the meal Jesus got up, took off His outer garments, wrapped a towel around his waist and preceded to wash the feet of His disciples.

This was an act of humility, of servanthood, of love, of care, of generosity, of compassion.

Jesus then said Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet.  I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you” (John 13:14,15)

As I read this passage repeatedly in the stillness of the retreat weekend it dawned on me that all three of my children had these attributes – they all have compassion for others, they are generous, they look out and care for the marginalized, they care about the environment and the world they live in  – how can I be such a failure as a mother?

They are committed and prepared to serve others who are in need – where is my failure?

Their father and I have taught them about God and Jesus – why do I think I have failed?

Almost hourly since the time they were conceived, I have thought about them and prayed for them – why do I consider myself a failure as a mother?

(I am not alone in these feelings of guilt.  I have met far too many women who feel exactly the same way I do.)

A deep weight lifted off my heart and my mind as I realised that, actually I am not such a failure as a mother.  Yes, I have made some huge mistakes in raising my children, set them some really lousy examples at times BUT I have always loved them, prayed for them and taught them about their Creator and with God’s guidance and hand upon their lives they have grown and developed into the most amazing, awesome human beings.

It is finally time to lay the guilt at the foot of the cross, to live each day in newness knowing that in God’s grace He will guide, correct and equip me to be the mother my children need and when I do fail, which is inevitable, He will forgive and give me a second, third, fourth chance to make things right.

By labeling ourselves failures as mothers we undermine the awesomeness of our children.

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As a child of divorced parents, I spent many years believing that I was to blame for their divorce.

I also blamed God for not answering my prayer to keep my parents together.  It was only as I grew older that I realised my parents divorce was their own decision and had nothing to do with God – His desire for them was to remain married but He gave us freedom of choice and they chose divorce.  I also realised that the divorce had nothing to do with me.  It was a decision they made independent of their children. The indescribable grief I felt when they got divorced eventually turned into anger and bitterness. I felt rejected and unloved, and had no sense of self-worth. This influenced the way I looked at life and the person I grew into.

The wonderful news for me and you if you are a product of a divorced or broken marriage is:

God has seen every tear that we have cried. In Psalm 56:8 it states:

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” (NLT)

Isn’t that amazing? God has seen and recorded every tear we have ever cried and with compassion in His heart He has collected those tears and kept them, and us, close to His heart.

Jesus came into this world “to BIND UP the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, ….to COMFORT all who mourn, and PROVIDE for those who GRIEVE…to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of GLADNESS instead of MOURNING, and a garment of PRAISE instead of a spirit of DESPAIR” (Isaiah 61:1-3)

God is our HEAVENLY FATHER and Jesus our COMFORTER.

Divorce is a death – a death of the future as a family, the death of dreams that were dreamed, the death of the life your parents planned for themselves and for you.  You need to grieve and acknowledge that pain but then you need to hand it over to God and ask Him to reveal to you His new plans for your life.  Ask Him to give you new dreams to dream…

The sooner you start to forgive your parents and to hand your sorrow to God the sooner you will start developing into the incredible person God has made you to be.

As an adult I posted a poem, written by my sixteen-year-old self, entitled “I never knew you” to Facebook.  Within days it had been shared numerous times and received hundreds of comments.  I wrote it to my father but never sent it to him.

It captures the loneliness and pain of divorce and gives voice to how we, as children of divorces often feel and there is comfort in knowing we are not alone.

Always remember, however, that if you allow Him too, God will bestow on you a crown of beauty instead of ashes’.


Just because I’m not with you,
Does not mean I’m not here.
Just because I am a child,
Does not mean you can forget me.
I’ve got a right to know what you are doing,
I’ve got a right to expect to be loved by you.
I want to be part of your life,
I want to be needed by you.
But you will never need me,
You are too self-contained.
Just because I’m not with you,
Just because I cannot share your life,
Does not mean I don’t love you,
Does not mean I don’t need you.
Sometimes I watch a father and a child,
Laughing together,
At something only they can see.
We will never be able to share that kind of feeling,
Because I don’t know you and you don’t know me.
And it’s too late now to understand each other,
Because when we meet,
We are strangers -and yet- you gave me life.

“The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces” (Isaiah 25:8)

Originally posted on CCE EXCELLERS:

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